20-Step Program for the Land Rover Experience [Courtesy Rovers North News, March, 2005]
By Jeffrey Aronson
Never ridden in a Series Land Rover before? Want to see what it feels like before your significant other buys one? Is your Range Rover too comfortable? Miss your Series Rover?
Try this 20-step program:
1. Seats too comfortable in your Range Rover? Relive the Series experience. Sit upright in a wooden chair covered with duct tape), left foot on the floor and right foot arched at a 45 degree angle, for three hours. Then try and stand up quickly.
2. Suffering from dry footwells in your Discovery? Try this. Renovate your bathroom. Move the shower head down to shin level. Without removing your pants, shoes and socks, take a shower. Now pretend that you’ve just entered a stream in your Series III.
3. Suspension ennui? Find a wobbly rocking chair. Rock back and forth as hard as you can until you are nauseous. Then pretend that the corrugated dirt road has only 20 miles left to go.
4. Miss the smell of your Series Land Rover? Put gear oil in your humidifier and set it to "high."
5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies featuring old British cars made from the 1950's - 70's. Look for the Land Rovers, making certain you ignore the plot or any character development. Discuss the Rovers with your wife or a significant other; once you get rolling, you're bound to have the television to yourself.
6. Does the burble of a V-8 leave you cold? Have a seat and leave the lawn mower running in your living room for eight hours a day. Now do you remember the 2.25 liter experience?
7. Single pane glass windshield got you down? Put on a pair of safety goggles. Place a wide piece of tape down the middle of them. Have someone spray water on the eyepieces. Count to 10 before you attempt to wipe them clear. Meanwhile keep trying to make out what's ahead of you. There you go – you’re back in your Series Rover!
8. Once a week, fire up the leaf blower and spray out your engine compartment and undercarriage, making sure the wind carries the dust, mud and dirt onto your neighbor=s driveway. Ignore his complaints.
9. Bored by your Range Rover's reliable starts on winter mornings? On the coldest night, get up just before midnight. Get dressed, bring the starting ether and go outside to start the Rover. Let it run for a few minutes, shut it down and repeat the process at dawn.
10. Miss collecting old parts? Store up old oil cans, components to be repaired, and spare secondhand items you’ve purchased, in the grass behind the garage. Promise your wife you=ll move them soon. Avoid this area with your lawn mower [see above]. She'll never see them again.
11. Read through your Rovers North catalogue once a week and order whatever you want. Do so without looking in your parts bin or tool shed. Ignore any questions from your wife or significant other about Aduplicate parts.@
12. Missing routine maintenance? Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, and then put them back together.
13. Unlucky number - don't push your luck.
14. Buy motor oil by the case and carry no fewer than 4 quarts with you at all times. Be careful they don=t soil the carpet.
15. Does the interior quiet of your Discovery make you sleepy? Sit in a trash can, have a friend put the lid on and bang a hammer against different parts of the can. Try and figure out where the banging is coming from.
16. Install a fluorescent lamp under your coffee table, and lie under it to read your old Haynes Manual.
17. Wish you still had a cartridge filter to change, or a fuel pump with a glass bowl to empty? While under the coffee table, have your wife place a full cup of maple syrup on the top of the table. Reach around and try to lower the cup without spilling it down your arm and running into your sleeve.
18. Narrow your door openings in your house and install a narrower door. Now, sit on the floor, fill your arms with lots of stuff, reach up to the doorknob, and try and go sideways through the door.
19. Did your leaf springs ever match up evenly? When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread the icing really thick on one side to level off the top. Now think back to the time you forgot that springs had "sides."
20. Relive winter repairs. Empty your freezer and then fill it with hundreds of old nuts and bolts. Now undo them all by hand and then put them back together - no gloves!
Copyright 2005, Jeffrey Aronson and Rovers North
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